RS: The ‘D/s’ In #BDSM – Part Three, Dominance


I suppose it would be kind to leave a warning here before you start. Many, if not all, of the links in this series of posts are totally NSFW. If you want to have a look, do, by all means, but don’t be surprised if you find naked boy bits at the other end . . . or girl bits.
Happy? Let’s go.

line break, swirling graphics, from openclipart

A few weeks back I talked about dominance and submission (D/s) as a whole. Today I’ll focus on the ‘dominance’ side.

What Makes A Dominant

In the BDSM arena, dominance is about control. The desire to have it, use it and most of all, be given it by someone who trusts you. It isn’t about getting your own way, ensuring your own desires are met, or giving people orders. There is a difference between being dominant and being bossy and/or overbearing.

The Google dictionary defines ‘dominant’ as:

“having power and influence over others.”

That is especially true here. A dominant person (in this context) enjoys and is (often) aroused by the feeling of control and power over another.

So What Do They Do?

That depends on the dominant. Control can manifest in a number of different ways but some of the most common are:

  • Controlling the intensity and/or frequency of sexual relations
  • Controlling when (or even if) a submissive may achieve orgasm
  • Deciding what a submissive wears (or if they wear anything at all)
  • Restricting submissives to using an honorific when speaking to them (Sir/Ma’am/Miss/Master etc)

These are actually quite broad areas in which to exert control and certainly not an exhaustive list. Other, more specific ways I’ve heard of include:

  • Deciding when (and if) a submissive may use the bathroom
  • Deciding what a submissive may eat
  • Restricting eye contact or speech
  • The use of slave/submissive positions (if you’re interested in these I’ll do a post about Gorean slave positions another time)

Whatever the manner of control, a dominant’s aim is to bring about pleasure through use of their control.

But Isn’t That Selfish?

Not at all. Note I said ‘bring about pleasure’ not ‘bring about their own pleasure.’ A dominant who is partnered with a true submissive will find that giving orders for their pleasure in turn creates pleasure for their submissive.

Remember it’s not just about getting your own way? Being a dominant, rather than just . . . an arrogant, selfish, bossy-boots (I can’t think of another way to say it) is understanding the responsibility that comes with the control.

Trust is an incredible gift and has to be earned. With that trust a dominant, will find that control is willingly given to them by a submissive who trusts who knows they will be:

  1. Looked after
  2. Able to serve in a manner that pleases them
  3. Able to give pleasure through that service

But Is That Healthy?

Sure. I’m no psychologist, but why wouldn’t it be?

Before you start waving your arms and chanting ‘abusive relationships’ at me, yes, I know that happens: I’ve seen it and the devastating affects on close friends of DSB. I know that rape happens and these things are also about control. But the control a dominant desires, versus that wielded by a rapist is utterly different. There is no pleasure for a D/s dominant unless control is given willingly through mutual trust and respect, and certainly no desire to truly hurt a submissive.

Dominants are strong, caring, thoughtful, and giving people, by necessity. They are required, at all times, to know, understand and genuinely care for their submissive. To nurture the relationship they have in order to ensure they have one at all. ‘Dominants’ who don’t do this, aren’t dominants at all, but merely the arrogant, selfish bossy-boots I mentioned earlier.

Raven's Signature In Black

Advertisements

About Raven ShadowHawk

I take great pleasure in writing erotica and am merely one side of the proverbial coin. My other half, 'Ileandra Young' writes fantasy and the occasional comedy piece. My six-part series 'Meeting Each Other' is available in full, through Amazon and Smashwords while my debut novella 'Sugar Dust' is now re-released (!) available through Amazon via Little Vamp Press.
This entry was posted in FUN!, Raven's Posts and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to RS: The ‘D/s’ In #BDSM – Part Three, Dominance

  1. submissiveama says:

    Thank you so much for writing this. I have never been able to adequately explain the difference but you did a remarkable job. (I may refer to this in future discussions if that would be okay with you.)

    I have been submissive to men who were domineering and I am developing a relationship with one who is Dominant, and there really is quite a dissimilarity between them. I enjoy submitting in a way that I didn’t before because my current partner Dominates in a way that brings us -both- pleasure. It isn’t all about him, and I am always valued by him. Some in my past couldn’t see past getting their way to control me in a way that allowed me to enjoy serving.

    I believe anyone new to the lifestyle (and perhaps some who have been around for a while) should read this. Thank you again.

    Like

    • Well hi, and thank YOU for taking the time to comment. ^_^

      I really hadn’t expected to touch many folk within the BDSM community so I’m glad for two reasons 1) that my post seems to be reaching the people I’d like it to and 2) that you took something from it.

      There is so much writing on BDSM right now, Fifty Shades of Grey may be terrible but it did a lot to bring an alternative lifestyle to the mainstream. Unfortunately lots of people are trying to capitalise on that by writing substandard erotica that has nothing to do with dominance or submission.

      I intend these posts to fill the gap in a quick and easy way and I’m pleased you feel I’ve taken steps towards that. I’m planning a post on submission next and though I do have some friends to draw on, I’d love to get some thoughts from you, if you’d be willing?

      Liked by 1 person

      • submissiveama says:

        Ugh, I hate the way people read 50 shades and make the assumption that Doms are psychologically screwed up assholes. :/
        I’d love to help you, if I can. My situation is complicated, but I will give you whatever insights I have. 🙂 Ask away! If you think email would be easier, you can send me a message at ama.barrett.sub@gmail.com

        Like

        • I know, right? FSoG has a lot to answer for, but at least the questions are being asked. Silver lining and all that, right?

          And thank you very much for the email address. ^_^ I’ll be in contact shortly . . . y’know, when I figure out exactly what I need to ask! 😉

          Like

        • I have finally managed to send that email now. I hope you’re well and that you’ve had a pleasant holiday season. ^_^

          Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: RS: The ‘D/s’ In #BDSM – Part Four, Submission | Writing: A Conversation Without Interruptions

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s