I may have touched on this a while back but I wanted to talk about it again because I’m curious about it. Especially in myself. So this is a personal character study as much as a blog post to interest you fine readers. Sorry…
Ego. We all have one, on a small (or larger) level and as a writer, mine is larger than most. Not in a conceited and mean sort of way, but in a confident ‘hey-I-wrote-this-and-I-think-it’s-good-enough-that-other-people-might-want-to-pay-for-and-read-it sort of way. And we all have that. Or at least I hope we do… otherwise every single one of us is a literary and emotional masochist on some level. o.O
So is it ego that keeps us doing what we do? And is this part of what sets us apart from mere mortals (:-p)? What is it in ourselves that we see and recognise that goads us to write and polish and publish? Especially now when the internet has opened the entire world in such a way that thousands of people can praise (or slam) your efforts without ever showing their faces?
And what happens when that ego gets bruised? Two weeks I talked about Angry Robot and the week after that I talked about Caladria and Fab Fables. Two very different projects/subjects, but both examples, I feel, of ego.
Yes, DSB is the one working on the Caladria gubbins, but you know how that works by now. So I feel it too and her successes are mine. That was an incredible boost to my ego; seeing that first issue go live and watching sales tick through (which is still happening by the way! ^_^). But Angry Robot’s (very kind and positive rejection) left me reeling for an entire weekend, mainly because nobody told me ‘Thanks, but no thanks’, for quite some time (‘Silk Over Razor Blades’ is a special case I suppose, but let’s gloss over that for now).
Is that ego? Is that just confidence? Or are the the same? Interchangeable? Or is it case of flying, blind narcissism brought abruptly back to earth?
On Wednesday I spent a good half hour talking about ‘Dead or Alive’, nattering non-stop because I was just so crazy excited about the words I’d produced. I was patting myself on the back over and over, for a particularly amusing line, which I’m still, even now, giggling over (sorry, I’m not gong to share it just yet, but just know it’s a good’un!). Ego? Or just relief at not producing dross?
So this post has been a lot of questions – sorry about that – but I’d love to know what you think about it all? Are us writerly types ego-maniacs, or just quietly confident in what we do, the same way a car salesman quotes his sales and satisfaction figures at a potential client?
What do you think?