I’m sure that makes things sound so much worse than they actually are; but as a title, I like it. 🙂
Self-Sabotage; Behaviour is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals. The most common self-sabotaging behaviours are procrastination, self-medication with drugs or alcohol, comfort eating in the face of weight concerns, and self-injury such as cutting.
~Definition lifted from Psychology Today.
Blimey. Well of those behaviours I think the only ones I don’t do are the self medication and self harming. Two out of four ain’t bad, right? 😉
Sorry; I don’t want to make light of these things. I know full well that people out there suffer from these very real problems and it isn’t easy.
My own self sabotage is minor compared with the two I don’t do and only one of those affects my writing. But, as a writer, they are no less valid.
I procrastinate. A lot.
I find excuses to do other things that I tell myself are useful. I spend months and months going over the same piece of text to make it ‘better’ when in truth I’m too scared to go on. I find ways to avoid doing the last things things I need to do in order to progress myself.
In my goals on Thursday I mentioned Slippers & Chains. It’s lingering because, after my op, I’ve been slow, tired and unable to work the way I used to. But before my op? The novella was ready to go at least a week before the Wednesday I went under the knife. So why haven’t I sent it yet?
Oh… my synopsis isn’t ready.
Oh… I need to format the .docx file to match the guidelines of Breathless Press‘ submissions process.
Oh… I don’t have time because Da Shared Brain is giving all her time to Ileandra to work on her latest WIP.
All of that is bullshit.
Yes, it’s true, but it doesn’t stop me working. It shouldn’t anyway. The Brain separated us, allowing Ileandra and I to work the way we do because it works.
My op was minor and I was home the same day; bar being unable to pick up the sprogs, I’m back to mopping, washing and generally taking care of my house and everything else the way I was before.
I have to work on my synopsis, but it’s already written; all I need to do is tweak it.
So what the hell am I waiting for?
If I’m brutally honest, I’m scared.
That’s all it is.
I’m scared of failure and rejection and, so long as I don’t send the manuscript, I can’t feel either of those things. So I make excuses, find ways to avoid doing it.
I touched on this very briefly here but I feel admitting the facts to myself as well as you will help me overcome the fear.
I need to be brave. To trust in what I’ve written. It was received well enough by my betas; I can’t keep second guessing them, telling myself that they were kind because they like me. I chose these people specifically because they wouldn’t do that and Ileandra has done the same for her WIP.
It’s easy to talk the talk here on the blog when the piece is no where near ready to send, but right now, when I have to step up and do it… well this is where I prove to myself that I mean what I say.
I put it in my goals on Thursday, but I’m going to say it here again.
This week I send Slippers & Chains to Breathless Press. No messing around, no more procrastinating or excuses.
My desktop is dead, but I have a laptop.
I’m poorly, but The Funk Master is off work, for the most part, meaning that I have plenty of time, without the boys, to knuckle down and write.
Ileandra is working on WTRE, but Da Shared Brain can ration the time between us so we both get a share.
I’m tired, ill and sore, but eating well, more sleep and lots of fluids will help take care of that.
I’m out of excuses. Let’s just get it done.
I’ll let you know how it goes.