I am very hard to please. This isn’t a recent discovery, but one I’ve wanted to analyse for some time. Why do I always push? Why is nothing ever good enough?
Since officially leaving my last job (February) and starting my own business (April) I have earned money, published articles and appeared in magazines. All while taking care of my sons. My writing, despite no longer working a 9-5 job, still takes a back seat, but I have achieved more, so far this year, than in any other to date.
Let me outline my achievements this year, as I see them.
-started my own business (and had two paying clients, and three enquiries)
-a letter in Writing Magazine
-a letter in Writers Forum
-entered at least two writing competitions per month since January
-successfully pitched an article to a magazine (on my first try!) and will shortly receive payment
-started the background work on getting Slippers & Chains in print
-turned over enough regular non fiction writing since May to average £30 a week in additional income
-lost over a stone (we’re talking weight now), over the course of two-three months
-taken on at-home learning and earned a certificate in Working In Mental Health
-written five short stories and probably three times as much flash fiction
And there’s probably more than that. I find it hard to think of these things on the spot, despite my Good Things Jar. So why am still unhappy? Why am I still pushing? Why do I look back over what I have done and tell myself ‘that’s not good enough.’?
Why, why, why!
Do I call it a real and honest urge to do better, or is it just the inability to be satisfied with what I have? Ambition is a good thing, but constantly striving for more because nothing I have (or have done) is good enough to suit me, is just damaging.
I can’t decide which it is. I’m probably going to spend the next couple of hours (weeks) thinking about it (and then being dissatisfied with my answer).