Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 8


Button for blog hopHello! Happy Sunday! It’s been ages (two weeks!) since I was last here and I’ve missed you all. Reading your snippets and discussing your words is such a pleasant way to spend a Sunday/Monday afternoon.

I hope you’re all well and that you’ve achieved whatever you set out to do this week, no matter how big or small.

So… I know I said that I wouldn’t post any more of Walking The Razor’s Edge, but since this is my work in progress I feel I should. I’m of the opinion that first drafts benefit the most from a good critique and, that once you’ve polished the piece as well as you feel you can, a second critique and a beta read is the way to go. That is why all my snippets are unashamedly first draft.

I love how much progress I was able to make with my prologue/first chapter as a result of what you guys had to say, so much so that I’m going to post problem sections of the next chapter over the next few weeks, starting with this.

In the previous book (this is the second in the trilogy) we left Ileandra agreeing to go on a date with Shawn. She had an accident in which she broke her leg; hence the plaster cast. This snippet is the opening of the chapter directly after the scene in the morgue.

Ileandra Young worked the crutch carefully, unfolding her body from the confines of the car to stretch her arms above her head on the street outside. The bulky white plaster cast, complete with scrawled messages and pictures was a strange accompaniment to the black skirt she wore; and the single knee-high boot on her left foot. She grinned and leaned back against the car door, slamming it shut with her hip. “You shouldn’t worry so much,” she said softly, “really; I’m fine. It doesn’t hurt and it doesn’t slow me down.”
On the other side of the car, moving quickly in his smart black jeans, Shawn Jackson looked less than convinced. He eyed her foot doubtfully and held out his arm, elbow first. The intention was clear in the soft, deep brown of his eyes.
Sighing, Ileandra slipped her hand through the crook of his arm and used the free hand to balance the weight across the crutch. “You don’t believe me, do you?”
Shawn cocked an eyebrow. “I saw you leap out the house in two bounds and swing into my car like a gazelle.” He murmured, glancing back at the car parked neatly against the side of the pavement. “You sat through dinner with no fuss and at the cinema vaulted the seats behind us to get to a comfortable spot.” He shook himself as though to shake his brain a little would make the thought make sense. “Believe me, I know that you’re fine, but Ramona frightens me. If I let you get hurt, I don’t dare think what she’ll do to me!”

Okay! That’s that done! Here is the list of participants for this week. Happy reading. 🙂

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://ileandrayoung.com
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://jennifermeaton.com/
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://jordannaeast.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
http://jlroeder.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
http://ashortaday.wordpress.com
http://mandyevebarnett.com/

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About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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7 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 8

  1. M. Ziegler says:

    HI! I’m new to the hop – so I am trying to play catch up 🙂 Sometimes we all need some time to take off. On to the story!

    I love the interactions between the characters and your main characters personality seems to be independent and doesn’t want to inconvenience anyone. My question is, why did you comment on his pants? Her skirt makes sense, a funny contrast to the cast, but I don’t understand the reference to his pants. Also it sounds like Shawn in moving to her side of the car while eyeing her foot. I know that isn’t what you meant – maybe add a few words to make him on her side so that eyeing her foot is possible?
    Great job. Sorry I am not familiar with the first book, but your descriptions are great and standalone for now for me.
    .

    Like

    • Hi and welcome to the hop!
      Thrilled to have your comments.

      I see what you mean about Shawn going round the car; almost makes it sound like his eyes are a separate thing to the rest of his body if they can follow Ileandra around the car, lol!
      I guess Shawn’s trousers was just to show that he’d dressed up nicely, but it’s not mega important. Might be something I can look at.

      Thanks! x

      Like

  2. I really like the interaction between them and now I’m curious as to who Ramona is…

    Like

  3. caitlinstern says:

    Love the contrast of her outfit! It’s hard to be classy with a cast on.
    This is one athletic woman–vaulting seats! It jarred me a little, though. With her careful movements, stretching, the ‘bulk’ of her cast, and her hip-checking the door, it felt like two different levels of coping/healing to me.
    I like the guy’s disbelief of her actions, though. Shake some sense into that brain! 🙂 His concern about Ramona makes me expect a formidable mom/grandma and think that Ileandra could be formidable, too–nice detail.

    Like

    • I wonder if there would be way to introduce more consistency with Ileandra.The cast only hinders her because it’s awkward; her leg is no longer broken. Hmm… I’ll take a look at that. Thanks.

      I’m glad Ileandra comes across as formidable too. She’s going to have to be for the rest of the book!

      Cheers m’dear!
      x

      Like

  4. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 9 | Writing: A Conversation Without Interruptions

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