Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 13


Button for blog hopWhat a beautiful day! And yesterday too! Sorry this post is late but I’ve been recovering from a busy night last night. Playing Zombie Earth with other denizens of Leicester. It was BRILLIANT and I’m really hoping to take part in the next one(s).

I hope you’ve had as lovely a weekend as I have so far and that the rest of it turns out just as well for you. 🙂

This week I’m giving you one last 250 snippet from my as yet unnamed short story. The competition I’m entering it to (hopefully) closes on Wednesday so I need to get the last few edits in. This scene is particularly problematic to me, so I’d love to know what you think.

“Who’s Gloria?” Laicee slammed the diary onto the table, making her coffee mug jump against its coaster. “Some fresh skank of yours?”
On the other side of the table Billy raised his own mug to his lips. He sipped at it without speaking, his eyes narrowed as he glared over the rim. “Don’t speak to me like that, Laicee.”
“I’ll speak to you however the hell I like!” She snapped. “Who is Gloria? Why is her name all over your diary?”
“She’s my secretary.”
The soft, matter of fact answer fanned the flames of Laicee’s fury. She pointed a trembling finger at Billy’s face. “You don’t even feel the need to lie about it, do you? How long have you been seeing her?”
Billy put his coffee down. “I haven’t. Not in the way you seem to think, anyway. She works for me, books my meetings, takes my calls.”
“You’re such a bad liar. I’ve seen you.”
“No you haven’t.”
Laicee ground her teeth. “Yesterday, leaving the office for a ‘meeting’ with some red head pinned to your side like a limpet. Friday morning, sitting in a café with that same red head, your hands all over her legs. Tuesday lunch time,” she paused, fighting the heat rising from the pit of her belly. “Tuesday lunch time, in the back of the car. My car!”
“You’re delusional.” Billy’s voice cracked. He swept to his feet, shoving his chair back several feet as he did so. “I’m going out.”

As always thank you for stopping by and thank you for your comments. I’m deeply grateful for any and all suggestions, ideas and nit-picks you have; I welcome them. I hope my words in return as as useful to you as yours are to me.

Don’t forget to check out what other hoppers are doing this week 🙂 and to visit here if you’d like to join us!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://ileandrayoung.com
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://jennifermeaton.com/
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://jordannaeast.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
http://jlroeder.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
http://ashortaday.wordpress.com
http://mandyevebarnett.com/
http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com
http://joeowensblog.wordpress.com/

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About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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16 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 13

  1. I don’t think you need to change a lot here at all. The tension is great. Maybe mention how he reacts as she lists the places she has seen him?
    Good job & good luck with the competition.

    Like

  2. Nicely done. The only thing that would spruch this up a bit is to avoid “extra words”. For instance…

    He swept to his feet, shoving his chair back several feet as he did so.

    Could be changed to

    “He shoved his chair back several beet as he swept to his feet” or simply “He swept to his feet, shoving his chair back several feet.”

    Either one is a little more concise.

    Great job!

    Like

  3. I LIKE this! I can feel the burning in her stomach.
    Sounds like a case of, “Who are you going to believe? Me or your eyes?” Anyway, this snippet rings authentic enough.

    Like

  4. M. Ziegler says:

    Well guess I’ll just jump in with the crowd and say I think you did a good job. The anger is palatable and I think everyone can understand where she is coming from.

    Like

  5. Pingback: When Plans Change | Writing: A Conversation Without Interruptions

  6. caitlinstern says:

    If you do use this, here’s my thoughts.
    I agree about the tightening here and there.
    “He sipped at it without speaking, his eyes narrowed as he glared over the rim.” I’m not sure if you could substitute “silently” for “without speaking” or just cut the words entirely.
    Same with the “she snapped” in the next paragraph. I can feel the rage in her dialogue, not sure you need the tag.
    Otherwise, I love the dialogue and tension–especially the way he deflects and runs away. Sounds guilty to me!

    Like

    • That’s the sort of thing I was going through working on last night. I need to give the piece one last read through after lunch and then I need to get rid. Thanks m’dear!

      Like

  7. Pingback: Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 14 | Writing: A Conversation Without Interruptions

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