Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 12


Button for blog hopYo! What a week it’s been. The last one of the holiday (for some) so next week back to normal. I got to go back to my peer support training and my parent and baby group as well as signing off at the job centre (YES!).

Basically, this has all put me in an AMAZING mood which means that it will be much easier to edit the story I’m working on. Your comments have all been fabulously helpful, so I’m going to give you the next 250 words, immediately after last week’s snippet.

“Where were you?”
“Shops. We ran out of milk.”
The policeman made a note on the tatty pad of paper before him. “Did you leave anything on when you left?”
“What do you mean?”
He spread his hands in what was supposedly an explanatory gesture. “The oven? The kettle? The TV? Anything that could have started a fire.” His voice filled the room, lapping against the walls and rolling back into the space within like cresting waves. “It all started very quickly from what I can tell.”
Shrugging, Laicee returned her attention to the rough knot of wood on the table. She used her forefinger this time, picking at the wood as if the lever the rough spot free.
Small flakes of ash drifted to the surface as she lowered her head, falling from her hair like grey rain. She smeared it against the backs of her hands. “We ran out of milk.” She repeated. “So I popped out. I was only going to be five minutes, so I left everything on. Even the oven.”
Laicee looked up again, her gaze skimming past the officer sat opposite to his companion in the corner. She stared at him, willing him to speak. His silence made the hairs on the back of her neck prickle like ant’s feet. A bead of sweat rolled down her cheek and off the end of her chin. When it hit the table, she saw that it too was stained with soot.
“And you’re sure there was no one in the house?” The first officer leaned over the table. “Your husband?”
“No one.” She murmured.

As always thank you for stopping by and thank you for your comments. I’m deeply grateful for any and all suggestions, ideas and nit-picks you have; I welcome them. I hope my words in return as as useful to you as yours are to me.

Don’t forget to check out what other hoppers are doing this week 🙂 and to visit here if you’d like to join us!
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://ileandrayoung.com
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://jennifermeaton.com/
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://jordannaeast.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
http://jlroeder.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
http://ashortaday.wordpress.com
http://mandyevebarnett.com/
http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com
http://joeowensblog.wordpress.com/

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About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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6 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 12

  1. caitlinstern says:

    Love the description of the police officer’s voice–it evokes emptiness without describing the room.
    You’re missing a word here: “picking at the wood as if [to] the lever the rough spot free.”
    Not quite sure what to visualize here–“Small flakes of ash drifted to the surface […] She smeared it against the backs of her hands.” Is she turning over her hands and rubbing the back of them against the table? Or is the ash falling on the back of her hands and she’s smudging it with her fingers?
    “Laicee looked up again, her gaze skimming past the officer sat opposite to his companion in the corner.” There’s just something confusing about the wording (after the comma.) She’s looking past the man talking to her to another sitting in the corner, right?
    so maybe: “her gaze skimming past the officer [to the man who] sat in the corner.” or something…
    Lots of excellent description–I especially like the ‘ant’s feet.’
    You’re certainly making me suspicious of Laicee–her decision to leave ‘everything’ on doesn’t seem at all right.

    Like

    • Thank you, I’m enjoying the comprehensive feedback here. Lot’s of points for me to look at here, thank you.
      And I’m glad the descriptions are working well; I’ve been fiddling with them particularly hard.

      Like

  2. Just a thought policemen in general do not have fire investigation experience so would he know if the fire started quickly? Caitlinstern has mentioned the other questions I had.
    Good job – I’m suspicious of Laicee too.

    Like

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