Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 10

Button for blog hopBritish Summer Time. -_- I bleeding wish!

I’ve lost an hour of sleep with daylight savings and the snow is coming in hard, fast flurries. It’s so cold that I can’t go out without a hat and scarf and all the snowdrops in the front garden have died! BAH!

I know! I’ll cheer myself up with some lovely Sunday Snippets, posing my own and darting around the blogosphere to see yours. I hope you’ve all had a good week and that you’ve been able to achieve all that you were hoping. 🙂

This week, we’re still looking at Walking The Razor’s Edge and this 250 words comes directly after last week. Shawn and Ileandra continue their conversation with regards to kissing. Ooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Ileandra abruptly stopped walking. She felt Shawn’s pull on her arm as he continued half a step before stopping and leaned back slightly on her crutch to compensate. “You want to kiss me?”
“Very much.” He might have been discussing what he wanted for dinner. Shawn’s voice was mild, not in the least bit pressuring or pushing, but the light behind his eyes was anything but. It was hot and searching. “I thought when you dropped that sauce down your chin was a good moment, but you didn’t even notice it. Or outside the cinema when you hugged me; that felt like a good moment. But before I could even lower my head you’d turned aside to stare up the street. You looked like you seen a ghost.”
“Not a ghost,” Ileandra murmured softly.
At the least, she hoped it was not a ghost. But the little bundle of sensations and feelings that were not her own, tucked away at the back of her mind had suddenly come alive again, and with it a feeling that she could point directly to source of that feeling and hit it within a metre.
“Well whatever it was, you looked scared.” Shawn raked one hand back through his thick, black hair. “So I thought maybe it wasn’t the best time. But since then you’ve not said anything about it. It can’t be that bad?” He tugged on her arm, not roughly, but the same way one might tug on the lead of a reluctant puppy.

Thanks folks! I’ll try to get round to more of you this week, since work has calmed down a little. No promises though, since if I get any more work in I’ll have to give that priority. *waves* see you round!

Here are the other bloggers taking part, by the way. Be sure to drop by and say hello!

About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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8 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 10

  1. One comment is Shawn leaning on the crutch or Lleandra? It’s just how it reads I think maybe separate the line into two. Maybe change pressuring to pressurising. Nice teaser as to what she thinks she saw!


  2. caitlinstern says:

    You’ve got two ‘stop’s in your first two sentences.
    I would have expected ‘pressing,’ been fine with ‘pressuring,’ and confused by ‘pressurising.’ But the dictionary says they all work, so this is one of those American / British English clashes.
    “But the little bundle of sensations and feelings that were not her own, tucked away at the back of her mind had suddenly come alive again, and with it a feeling that she could point directly to source of that feeling and hit it within a metre.”
    You have three ‘feelings’ there.
    i’m really liking your character development here–the balance of patience and impatience in Shawn especially. And you’ve intrigued me with the ‘ghost,’ I don’t think I’ve ever read something described quite that way before, which is fun.


  3. Joe Owens says:

    It may simply be personal style, but having all the text together makes it harder to follow and keep the dialogue straight. I like the story and your writing, but I just struggled to know who was speaking.


    • Formatting is tricky here. I’ve been thinking about breaking it up or trying to get tabs in but I’ve not managed it yet. I’ll see if I can make it a bit easier next time around. Unless that’s not what you mean?
      Do you mean that each line of dialogue, for you, would be better on it’s own line?
      I’ve had that comment a couple of times now and I think it is a style thing. I’m going to check the rules on it though, just to be sure I’m not doing anything I shouldn’t. Maybe I need to look into more dialogue tags as well?

      Thanks for you comments. ^_^


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