Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 9


Button for blog hopBack again. Hope you’re all enjoying the first signs of Spring (otherwise known as snow and frigid temperatures). I’m off to the Self Publishing Conference today, but not before posting my 250 snippet for you all.

This follows last week’s snippet in Shawn and Ileandra exit their car having completed their date.

That brought the smile back to Ileandra’s lips. “So what did she say to you when I got in the car?”
A half smile tugged up one side of Shawn’s mouth, dimpling his cheek slightly. “Now let me get this right; she said ‘wine her, dine her, snog her if you really must, but don’t you dare let her hurt that leg.’”
Ileandra felt her mouth drop open. She made something of a comical sight, she could tell from the look on Shawn’s face, but she simply could not believe that her so called friend would say such a thing. “I- I don’t- she didn’t mean- damn her!”
Shawn laughed openly. “Don’t worry about it. I said dinner, and I’m not the type to assume anything. Really. I know you’ve got… well… something going on.”
“What do you mean?”
The laugher faded slightly. “Only that you were distant all night, Ileandra. I know you must have some things on your mind – you went to a funeral only last week – but sometimes I felt you weren’t quite there.” There was no anger in Shawn’s voice, only quiet concern. Ileandra felt her insides twist uncomfortably.
“I- I’m sorry. I thought I was a little less obvious than all that.”
“You may well be,” Shawn said cautiously, “but I’m in the position of having watched you very closely all night.” The little dimples in his cheeks showed up again. “You see, I’ve been wanting to kiss you all night, but I’ve been waiting for the right moment; so I’ve been watching you very, very closely.”

As always, thank you for your time, care and attention. I’m looking forward to reading your snippets and taking in what you have to say. Those of you looking to join the hop, why not visit here for the information you’ll need.

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://ileandrayoung.com
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://jennifermeaton.com/
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://jordannaeast.com
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
http://jlroeder.wordpress.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
http://ashortaday.wordpress.com
http://mandyevebarnett.com/
http://www.michellezieglerauthor.com

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About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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11 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 9

  1. caitlinstern says:

    It’s been warm where I am–highs in the 80s, then this morning, BAM! Lows in the 30s. Not snow, but it’s own little weather-shock. o.o
    Anyway…
    I love her friend’s “wine her, dine her, snog her if you must” comment! Definitely a lady who speaks her mind, a little outrageously.
    “There was no anger in Shawn’s voice, only quiet concern.”
    I think I recall someone telling me that ‘there was’ isn’t the best way to start a sentence, but I’m honestly not sure who.
    I think that:
    “Ileandra felt her insides twist uncomfortably.
    “I- I’m sorry. I thought I was a little less obvious than all that.”
    would do better in the same paragraph.
    Shawn’s last lines are so cute, and so are those dimples! He feels like a nice guy, but not too nice.

    Like

  2. Great interaction and I like the tease from Shawn. Good job.

    Like

  3. A bit of a tease and he’d like more than a squeeze…hmm. Most intriquing.

    Like

  4. HI! BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 🙂 HERE WE GO…

    That brought the smile back to Ileandra’s lips.[ TRY: THE SMILE RETURNED TO HER LIPS — MORE ACTIVE] “So what did she say to you when I got in the car?”
    A half smile [YOU JUST USED SMILE – CHOOSE A DIFFERENT DESCRIPTOR] tugged up one side of Shawn’s mouth, dimpling his cheek slightly. “Now let me get this right; she said ‘wine her, dine her, snog her if you really must, but don’t you dare let her hurt that leg.’”
    Ileandra felt her mouth drop open. She made something of a comical sight, she could tell from the look on Shawn’s face, but she simply could not believe that her so called friend would say such a thing. THAT DESCRIPTION WENT ON A LITTLE LONG. IT RUINS THE FLOW A TAD, AND I FORGOT WHAT THE CONVERSATION WAS ABOUT “I- I don’t- she didn’t mean- damn her!”
    Shawn laughed openly. “Don’t worry about it. I said dinner, and I’m not the type to assume anything. Really. I know you’ve got… well… something going on.”
    “What do you mean?”
    The laugher faded slightly. “Only that you were distant all night, Ileandra. I know you must have some things on your mind – you went to a funeral only last week – but sometimes I felt you weren’t quite there.” There was no anger in Shawn’s voice, only quiet concern. Ileandra felt her insides twist uncomfortably. [TAKE OUT THE TELL WORD “FELT” AND JUST DESCRIBE WHAT IT FEELS LIKE]
    “I- I’m sorry. I thought I was a little less obvious than all that.”
    “You may well be,” Shawn said cautiously,CAUTIOUSLY IS A POV SWITCH – IT POPS INTO HIS HEAD “but I’m in the position of having watched you very closely all night.” The little dimples in his cheeks showed up again. “You see, I’ve been wanting to kiss you all night, but I’ve been waiting for the right moment; so I’ve been watching you very, very closely.” THIS LAST DIALOG BIT IS DOUBLE REDUNDANT BY USING THE WORDS “ALL NIGHT” NEARLY BACK TO BACK, AND ALL THE “VERY CLOSELY” TALK. I’D TRY TO PARE THIS DOWN AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE AND STILL KEEP YOUR TONE.

    NICE SEGMENT!

    Like

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