Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 5


Button for blog hopGood morning all and welcome to another Sunday. 🙂

First let me offer apologies to any of you who offered me a critique last week if I haven’t come back to you. It’s been a whirlwind week and I’ve barely been online at all, let alone had the space to give your brilliant words the attention they deserve. I hope to do better this time around.

I’m not going to natter on like I normally do; I’ll just say that this is the last section from my WIP that I’ll offer for a bit, since I haven’t written anything fresh for a while. Daniel, having agonised over it for a while, has slipped into the autopsy room to have a look at the body that he believes to be the wrong one.

“You’ve seen a dead body before, Dan,” he scolded, “get a grip.”
His racing heart refused to take the sensible advice and instead thudded harder against his ribs. The dry surface of his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth for several seconds before he could work moisture back into it.
The body, when he reached the table, drew a sigh from Daniel’s mouth and a slump from his shoulders. “You’re supposed to be crispy.” He whispered.
Eyes closed, hands folded across the chest, the man on the dissecting table might have been sleeping. No signs of injury were obvious on his face or shoulders and when Daniel lifted the sheet, he found the same lower down.
He pulled the sheet away fully and let it fall around his ankles.
Long, dark hair fanned around the peaceful face and over the broad, square shoulders.
“You can’t be the guy who fell off the bridge.”
A gleam of silver caught his eye. Alongside the shoulder lay something bright, metallic. Daniel picked it up, hissing with pain as the scalpel sliced his thumb. “What the hell is that doing there?”
Blood welled from the deep cut and fell onto the dissecting table.
“Shit!” Whirling round, Daniel scanned the walls for a towel dispenser. He found none and clutched his thumb with the free hand to catch the blood. The crimson fluid flowed freely between his fingers and splattered the upturned face on the slab.

Dun dun duuuuuuuuhn!

Anyway, yeah. Going forward I’m going to concentrate on actually getting more of this story down, so future snippets will be from other works. I’ll come back to this later in the year. ^_^

Meanwhile, here is the list of other participants. Get to it! You know you want to see what others are up to. 🙂
http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://wyrmflight.wordpress.com/
http://www.mandyevebarnett.com
http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://jennifermeaton.com/
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://jordannaeast.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com
http://threepiecebikini.blogspot.com/
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
http://wordsbreathedupon.wordpress.com/blog/

Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list. The more the merrier!

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About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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11 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 5

  1. katmwehr says:

    I too have been caught up in my own world for the last week or so! But I remember the beginning of this story and I’m glad I had the chance to check back in!

    I’m a little lost with this piece. What’s going on? Obviously, there is something up with this body, but what? And how did that scalpel get in there? I’m sure these questions are answered in the next few hundred words on your page, so perhaps these are the right questions to be asking. I suppose some things that would help ground me in this segment are some background about the patient/corpse — what happened to him and why is his body of such high interest to our morgue worker MC? And also, why is our MC so concerned with him?

    Other than that, your writing is very clean and I found your style very fluent. Thanks for posting!

    Like

    • I’m glad you have so many questions. 🙂 Some are addressed in further snippets, some are covered in later words, so I think I’m on the right track here. After all; I don’t want to just plonk all the information on the page right off the bat, drip feeding it through the text makes it more likely to grab and hold a reader. ^_^

      Like

  2. Love the fact he picked up the scapel and asked whats it doing there (hehe it is an autopsy room- what are you doing there) brilliant! Bit confused – how does he know its the guy who jumped? Good work though!

    Like

    • Hehee, yeah, not really paying attention is he? Though he may be confused by the fact that there are no other instruments out at the moment. o.O
      Anyways, he knows that the pros were working on the guy who jumped, but later text confirms his suspicions by him reading the attached notes.

      Thanks for your comments!

      Like

  3. Love the descriptions of his dry mouth! Left me on a cliff edge – very good writing. The autopsy tables are either steel or porcelain just so you know. Also maybe have him say ‘why wasn’t this scalpel put away’ or – ‘put in the sterilizer…’ I did understand that the body was supposed to be burnt.

    Like

  4. I believe a body arrived in the first snippet, which was supposed to have been burned to a fritter but on arrival, it was discovered not be be well done as expected. Right?

    See what you get for being so nosey, Daniel? A wayward scapel jumps out at you. With no towels to staunch the bleeding, your finger drips all over the victims face. LOVE IT!

    One question—a teeny one: Why did Daniel need to pull the sheet off all the way to the ankles. This feels a disrepectful act towards a body. Maybe?

    Like

    • Totally correct! Thanks m’dear.

      Oh and yes, actually, pulling the sheet of is rather disrespectful. I hadn’t thought about it that way. But Daniel isn’t the nicest guy in the world and he’ll get his, so don’t feel too bad about it. 😉

      Like

  5. caitlinstern says:

    Oh, no! I’m now expecting a zombie/vampire/alien lurching up off that table.
    At the very least, Dan’s in trouble for bleeding everywhere.
    I love all the sensory details!
    I haven’t taken a poll, but do people use their names when they’re talking to themselves?
    “let it fall around his ankles.” Are these Daniel’s ankles, or the corpse’s?
    What happens to the scalpel? Does he drop it? Or is he still holding it?
    Definitely a clever cliff hanger. 🙂

    Like

    • Perfect! I’m not posting any more snippets of this scene, but you’re certainly in the right place with your expectations.

      I’m not sure about other people but I do use my name when talking to myself. I always go third person, much to the amusement of my mother.

      Oh and it was Daniel’s ankles; maybe I should have said ‘he dropped it to the floor’ or something along those lines. Thanks m’dear; I’ll take a look at it!

      Like

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