Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 4


Button for blog hopHappy Sunday! I hope you’ve all had good, productive weeks and that you’ve been able to do everything you wanted.

I’ve been quite lucky that despite the poor nights of sleep, I’ve managed to get quite a bit done. Woohoo!

I have another snippet for you, this one is 244 words (I think) and includes more edits from the first two entries. This one continues on directly from last week and follows Daniel. To recap, last week, he was listening at the door to the autopsy lab, overhearing a unusual conversation about one of the cadavers.

Okay… here we go!

“I’m just curious.” Scowling, Daniel dumped the mop into the bucket and began to wheel it away. Jimmy’s braying laughter followed him down the hallway.
“You coming out tonight? The footie’s on.”
“Maybe.”
Jimmy cackled again. “Come see your boys get their arses kicked.”
Without turning, Daniel raised his hand, displaying the back of his middle finger.
“Classy.” Jimmy called after him.
He didn’t answer.
The mystery ate at Daniel for the rest of his shift, causing him to walk passed the autopsy room several times. On the third pass, he recognised the coroner; a pixie faced woman with trendy, short hair. He winced at the sight of her furious expression and ducked into an empty office. Memories of the previous encounter with that woman, her perfectly manicured nails and cherry red smile, made his cheeks grow warm.
When she passed, Daniel caught a whiff of some expensive, but generic perfume. “Who are you trying to impress?” He scoffed, thumbing his nose against the combination of pleasant and morbid scents. “You need to get the smell of cadaver off your clothes first, love.”
Only when she rounded the corner did he slip out of the office again, tip toeing up to the autopsy room pressing his ear to the door. Silence greeted him.
Chewing his lip, Daniel shuffled his feet once or twice before pushing on the handle. He slipped inside before he could change his mind and eased the door shut behind him.

As ever, I’m very appreciative of any and all comments (you guys have already helped me so much!). Better than that I’d be thrilled if you used the list below to check out what others are doing. There are some brilliant stories in the words and I’m sure we all appreciate the critiques.

http://mermaidssinging.wordpress.com/
http://caitlinsternwrites.wordpress.com/
http://ileandrayoung.com
http://wyrmflight.wordpress.com/
http://www.mandyevebarnett.com
http://womanbitesdog.wordpress.com/
http://jennykellerford.wordpress.com
http://jennifermeaton.com/
http://richardleonard.wordpress.com
http://jordannaeast.com
http://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com
http://threepiecebikini.blogspot.com/
http://itsjennythewren.wordpress.com/
http://writerscrash.blogspot.co.uk/
http://wehrismypen.wordpress.com
http://wordsbreathedupon.wordpress.com/blog/

Want to join up? Click here for the rules, and leave a comment to have your name added to the list. The more the merrier!

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About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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10 Responses to Sunday Snippets Critique Blog Hop 4

  1. “You coming out tonight? The footie’s on.”
    “Maybe.”
    I COULDN’T TELL WHO WAS SPEAKING IN THESE LINES, BUT THAT MAY BE BECAUSE I DID NOT READ IT ATTACHED TO THE PREVIOUS PARAGRAPH.

    Jimmy cackled again. “Come see your boys get their arses kicked.”
    Without turning, Daniel raised his hand, displaying the back of his middle finger.
    “Classy.” Jimmy called after him.
    He didn’t answer.

    THE PART ABOVE IS FINE

    The mystery ate at Daniel for the rest of his shift, causing him to walk passed the autopsy room several times.

    I’D RATHER SEE THIS HAPPEN THAN READ THE TELL. THIS DREW ME OUT OF THE SCENE. MAYBE SHOWONE PASS, WITH A MENTION THAT THERE HAD BEEN MORE.

    On the third pass, he recognised the coroner; a pixie faced woman with trendy, short hair. He winced at the sight of her furious expression and ducked into an empty office.

    THAT’S OKAY (ABOVE)

    Memories of the previous encounter with that woman, her perfectly manicured nails and cherry red smile, made his cheeks grow warm. IS THIS PART NECESSARY TO THE STORY? IF NOT, THI IS TELL FOR NO REASON AND I’D SUGGEST CUTTING.

    When she passed, Daniel caught a whiff of some expensive, but generic perfume. WOW. THAT’S AN AWEFULLY GOOD SENSE OF SMELL. HOW CAN HE TELL THE DIFFERENCE?

    “Who are you trying to impress?” He scoffed, thumbing his nose against the combination of pleasant and morbid scents. THAT SOUNDS REDUNDANT. MAYBE CUT THE ONE I MARKED ABOVE.

    “You need to get the smell of cadaver off your clothes first, love.”
    Only when she rounded the corner did he slip out of the office again, tip toeing up to the autopsy room pressing his ear to the door. Silence greeted him.

    ABOVE IS OKAY.

    Chewing his lip, MILDLY CLICHE, BUT MIGHT PASS.

    Daniel shuffled his feet once or twice DELETE ONCE OR TWICE. IT WAS EITHER ONCE OR IT WAS TWICE, AND IN HIS POV HE WOULD KNOW. before pushing on the handle.

    MAYBE AN INTERNAL THOUGHT HERE TO GIVE US THE EMOTION BREWING INSIDE HIS HEAD. THEN WE CAN DELETE THE “BEFORE HE CHANGED HIS MIND” IN THE NEST LINE.

    He slipped inside before he could change his mind and eased the door shut behind him.

    YOU ARE DOING WELL HERE. THESE ARE NIT PICKS. OVERALL, IT IS QUITE GOOD!

    Like

  2. kford2007 says:

    Ok, here are my niggles:

    On the third pass, he recognised the coroner; a pixie faced woman with trendy, short hair. He winced at the sight of her furious expression and ducked into an empty office. Memories of the previous encounter with that woman, her perfectly manicured nails and cherry red smile, made his cheeks grow warm. – HAD THEY HAD A SEXUAL ENCOUNTER BEFORE? IS THAT IMPORTANT TO THE STORY? IF NOT, YOU MAY WANT TO DELETE. IF THEY HAD THE ENCOUNTER IN THE SAME AUTOPSY ROOM, THAT MIGHT NEED TO BE DISCLOSED IF IMPORTANT TO THE STORY.

    When she passed, Daniel caught a whiff of some expensive, but generic perfume. I’M NOT SURE HOW PERFUME CAN BE EXPENSIVE BUT GENERIC. I’D NAME THE PERFUME AND LINK IT TO THE MEMORY OF IT SOMEHOW. MAYBE DURING THE ENCOUNTER THEY BROKE THE BOTTLE OF PERFUME, THAT’S HOW HE KNOWS WHAT FLAVOR IT IS. “Who are you trying to impress?” He scoffed, thumbing his nose against the combination of pleasant and morbid scents. “You need to get the smell of cadaver off your clothes first, love.” I THINK THESE SENTENCES CAN BE REDUCED TO ONE OR TWO AND STILL RELAY THE INFO. I LIKE THE FINAL SENTENCE A LOT.

    Like

  3. As mentioned previously – the once or twice foot bit could be cut. Expand the “rest of the shift” as i would like to see it 🙂

    The perfume as stated good sense of smell 🙂 like how he is so interested in this body! x

    Like

  4. caitlinstern says:

    I don’t have much to say that hasn’t been said, but…
    Instead of:
    Jimmy’s braying laughter followed him down the hallway.
    “You coming out tonight? The footie’s on.”
    You might make that one paragraph:
    Jimmy’s braying laughter followed him down the hallway. “You coming out tonight? The footie’s on.”
    To clarify who’s speaking.

    I like the exchange between them, though. Boys can be weirdly aggressive to their friends.

    “Daniel caught a whiff of some expensive, but generic perfume.”
    This gave me issues, too. Generic isn’t expensive, usually. I’m not sure whether he’d know a brand name, but you could say what it smells like: sickly, overpoweringly sweet? Floral with a hint of chemicals?
    Then we’d know it’s not a good perfume.

    I’m still liking this new direction! Keep going! 🙂

    Like

  5. I don’t know if this is internal conversation (can’t tell because everything’s in italics): “Who are you trying to impress?” He scoffed, thumbing his nose…” and ““You need to get the smell of cadaver…”. Otherwise, Daniel’s personality is blooming.

    Like

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