Hi everyone! Hope you’ve all had a good week and that you’re ready for another Sunday of critiquing goodness.
The week has been a hard one, but it has also been productive. Though it’s against my grain, I’ve done a bit of editing on the WIP. It’s against my grain, because I prefer to get the whole story down before I edit (you can’t edit what’s not there!), but I think I’d like to show how all of your input has helped me.
This snippet is a reworking of the previously two weeks; my prologue from the WIP Walking The Razors Edge. Putting together all the comments and the thoughts you guys (and other groups) have offered me, I’ve taken the prologue in a brand new direction. Daniel is no longer the pathologist/coroner and his purpose in the tale is such that his presence now makes more sense. I didn’t reach the point of it in previous entries (250 words doesn’t get you far) but I think the chapter will also come to the point much faster as a result.
Let me know what you think! 🙂
The day began with a body.
Daniel might have taken it for any other shift if not for the argument brewing over this particular specimen.
He lingered in the hallway with his mop and bucket, wiping a stretch of floor tiles. The voices from the room beyond dipped and troughed, forcing him to lean close, pressing his ear to the glossy wood.
“This is the burn guy?” The first voice snapped with the sharp tones of a man on the edge of his patience.
“Says the tag.”
Murky water splashed the tiles as Daniel dipped his mop and reapplied it to the floor.
“You’ve got to be kidding me.”
“You read it then.” The second voice, female, came close to shouting. “I’m telling you, this is the one.”
Moisture seeped into his shoes. The cold crept over his toes, through his socks, but Daniel couldn’t stop. He pressed closer to the door.
“Hey, man. You mop that tile any more, you’ll take the colour off.”
With a yelp, Daniel leapt away. The mop slipped from his hand, clattering against the floor. He spun round, palm pressed to his chest.
“Jimmy!”
The new comer, with a body shape reminiscent of a bowling pin, grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. “Danny-boy!” He wagged his finger. “If they catch you again you’ll be for the chop.”
Daniel ran his fingers through the dark tale of hair dangling down the nape of his neck. “Dude! Don’t creep up on me like that.”
“Stop listening to the grown ups talk shop, then. It’s none of your business what the suits are up to.”
Stooping, he retrieved the mop. “There’s been a mix up.”
Jimmy gave him a quizzical look.
“The cadavers. I think this one’s been labelled wrong.”
With a pointed look at the mop and bucket, Jimmy raised his eyebrows. “And this has what to do with you?”
Tah dah! :p
That’s a little more than 250, but that was a slightly more sensible place to end the segment. Apologises for flouting rules.
I’m looking forward to hearing from you guys and making my comments on your currents works. 🙂
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http://jennifermeaton.com/
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http://jordannaeast.com
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http://threepiecebikini.blogspot.com/
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Writing: A Conversation Without Interruptions 
ooh a new direction, interesting! love the “you mop that tile any more, you’ll take the colour off.” bit confused how he knows its the wrong body but looking forward to reading more 🙂
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Thank you! I’m hoping this new direction will pack more of a punch. We’ll find out with next week’s snippet. 😉
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What is Daniel’s age? I’m getting upper teen? If not, then I think the passage that made me think that is when Jimmy says “Stop listening to the grown-ups talk…” I think it would be kind of cool if Daniel was like 17 or 18 years old. I’m not quite sure how Daniel reaches the conclusion that the body has been tagged wrong, though. And how did the people inside the room not hear Jimmy yell out at Daniel? Very cool opening. I would like to read more.
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Yes, Daniel is much younger in this version than he was in the last. You’ve nailed it at the 17/18 mark and the ‘grown ups’ line also refers to the fact that they are the professionals and he’s the chap who mops the floor. :-p
You’re the second person to ask how Daniel would know, so I’ll take another look at that on my next run through.
Thanks for the comments! x
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I know editing is frowned upon, because if you keep going over what you’ve written, you’ll never make any forward progress. But this is such a drastic re-write, it sets you off in a very different direction. I’m really liking this version!
Love all the details and description. I’m having a hard time finding anything that needs changing.
Except, yes, I wondered how no one in the room heard him yelp. Unless that door’s about to open…
Also, “Daniel ran his fingers through the dark tale of hair” should be a “dark tail of hair.”
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Heh, if it’s only the one typo I’m doing better than usual. :p Thanks for the positive words, I think this is definitely the direction I’m going to go in.
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I love this! Much more mysterious and I need to know how Dan knows its a mix up…
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I’m on it! 🙂
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You have an interesting mix here, the conversation in the morgue wrapped around the conversation in the hallway. I hope you keep this approach, because I think it works well. I’m left wondering if Jimmy is Danny’s friend, or a rival who’s trying to keep him in his place… or even get him fired. I’m anticipating the next event will be an irritated boss coming to see who dropped a mop in the hall!
One small typo, the “tale” of hair should be a “tail.” Nice work.
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Ooh, yep, forgot about the clattering mop. Must make sure the sounds outside the door are dealt with.
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Holy stinking cow — that was AWESOME!
There’s nothing better than reading a re-write and having it come as far as this. What a compelling beginning. Bravo!
I was so “into it” I didn’t even see the typo that Deb pointed out.
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Lol, thank you Jennifer. I’ll keep going in this vein and put the rest up next week. ^_^
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I liked the previous excerpts, but I LOVE this one. I don’t really have anything to say/correct since someone else already pointed out the tale/tail thing. Good job, Ileandra!
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^_^ Thanks Jordanna!
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You’re welcome. Please pop over to my page if you haven’t already. 🙂
http://jordannaeast.com/2013/02/10/sunday-snippets-critique-blog-hop-3/
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Done 🙂
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Great re-write. I also wondered about Daniel’s age after the comment “Stop listening to the grownups talk..” I had to read this several times but now I know what you’re saying. Maybe there’s a better way?
This line has me confused: “Daniel might have taken it for any other shift if not for…”
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Probably is a better way. I’ll take a look at it. Could be as simple as an additional line of text.
And if the second line of the piece is causing trouble, I’ll look at that too!
Thanks 🙂
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I have nothing to say. I spotted the typos but think you’re on top of them. Great stuff! 🙂
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^_^ Thanks Richard.
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