Bonus Blog: Knowing Fear

I’ve been scared before. Not really scared, but enough that I felt uncomfortable. That’s probably a more accurate word, truth be told; uncomfortable. These days, however, my life is one big ball of fear. The constant terror that something is going to happen to my boys.My baby boysThe first time I left the house with them (not counting coming home from the hospital) was to talk to the university and then to town. I was still a bit sore from the c-section and walking very carefully so as not to hurt my stomach. All I could think of was how loud the traffic was and how many bugs were in the air and the smog from the cars and how crazy the drivers are and in general how terribly dangerous the entire world is. All of it! A nightmare of awful things out there to hurt my boys.

Since then I’ve become used to using the pram and pushing them around, but I’m constantly alert for all the dangers that are rife in the world. I can’t help it. I suppose its natural. I’ve stopped worrying about myself though; that’s the odd part. Or at least I’m not concerned about myself until my getting hurt means I can’t take care of the boys. That’s all I care about now; keeping them safe, warm, fed and loved. I never, in a million years would have imagined that I could adjust the things that frighten me so suddenly and so completely.

A colleague at work once said that having a child is like agreeing to have your heart walking around outside your body. I’m inclined to agree with her. Every time I look at these boys my heart twists in a really savage way, either with love, or with terror that something might happen to them. I hear news stories about people who have lost their babies or others who have lost a child… everything in me writhes in agony at the thought. Hell, the worst possible thing that could happen to me would be something happening to my boys and for the first time in my life I understand.

I understand why Mum looked so concerned when she left me at uni for the very first time. I understand why Dad has been subtly suggesting that I move back to London ever since I finished uni. They want that part of their heart closer to them where they can see and look after it. Never in a million years did I ever believe I could feel that way about anybody. But I do. And therein lies the fear.

Yesterday, when we were coming home, a fly landed on Michael’s face as we were pushing the pram along. I freaked out and stopped so I could pluck it off his face. I’ve never done that before. Not even when an insect landed on me, because I don’t like to touch them. I hate their squidgy little bodies and just the ick-factor that surrounds insects. I pulled that thing off his face like it was nothing.

Makes me wonder how I’ll deal with a spider on either of them. I have a REAL problem with spiders, but that may well be outweighed by how much I want to protect the boys. o.O

I’ll get back to you on that one if it comes up.

About Ileandra Young

I'm a thirty-*mumbles* year old (purple loving, cheese worshipping) author of fantasy, juggling a pair of beautiful twin boys with my burning desire to make up stories and write them all down. When I get the chance, I play games, listen to music, and in days long past I even ran a radio show. Though I occasionally write non-fiction, my heart lives in fantasy and my debut novel, Silk Over Razor Blades is now available through Amazon along with part two of the trilogy, Walking The Razor's Edge.
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22 Responses to Bonus Blog: Knowing Fear

  1. bwtaylor75 says:

    In order to overcome fear, one must first recognize it. You are now officially a mother, congrats!


  2. Such a cute photo! They are adorable! I think it was Elizabeth Stone who said having a child is like letting heart heart run around outside your body. I still feel that every time I say goodbye to my seventeen and twenty-one year old kids! Better get used to it!


  3. Mary Rhoads says:

    Gorgeous boys! They appear to be coming along nicely. I do like babies best when they are asleep. I would add keeping them clean to your list, but that may come under the categories of ‘Safe, Well and Loved’. Oh yes, and you can’t start talking with them too soon, or reading.

    We learned the hard way that you can never take what you have for granted. You also can’t manage risk away (some of my family members try to do this and drive me crazy in the process that way lies OCD).

    My conclusions:
    give thanks for what you have every day,
    never let the sun go down on an argument,
    always tell your nearest and dearest you love them when saying goodbye.
    Oh, and always carry some tissues so you don’t have to handle the creepy crawlies yourself.

    X Mary


    • ^_^ Thanks Mary.
      I’m having fun telling them about things as I do them in the house and singing songs. You’re certainly right; they’re far more aware and alert now and seem to really enjoy looking at things. Its lovely.

      And those are some awesome final thoughts. Particularly the tissue to deal with the creepies! :p


  4. They are BEAUTIFUL! Congratulations! But be forewarned….when you visit the grandparents, it will be a full hour before they realize YOU are there with those precious babies. Maybe longer since you have twins… But do yourself a favor and prop your feet and take a nap until they do realize you are there too!


    • Heh, that’s happened already.
      In fact my mum will be by this weekend as will my grandma. Nanna hasn’t seen them yet, so it will be interesting to document her reaction to her first great-grandkids. ^_^
      Either way, it will certainly be ample opportunity to have a sofa-snooze!


  5. Kana Tyler says:

    SO true about the “fear factor”… I was a brand-new mom when 9/11 happened, and Mommyhood magnified all my fears. But I think you’ll find yourself relaxing as you go, realizing that little boys go merrily along despite falls and flies and germs (and even spiders!), and the world isn’t QUITE as scary as it feels in the first months of Mommyhood… My first son was 16 months old when I took him for a two-month visit to the rural Philippiines–with malaria medications and mosquito netting for his crib and a first-aid-kit that could have rivaled a small pharmacy… I don’t think I could have handled a trip like that just a year earlier–I would have been a mess of stress! πŸ˜‰ ENJOY your boys. I know you are.


    • Philippiines?!?! Yikes, you are a brave, brave lady. Just the thought of taking these two to London to make seeing the grandparents easier fills me with dread. That means the motorway! @_@
      I hope I do manage to relax though, even if it is just a little. I don’t think I could stand to be this highly strung for the rest of my life. I might burst something…!


  6. They’re gorgeous, Ileandra! Congrats!


  7. Em says:

    So cute!
    It’s true – until you have kids you can’t really explain the kind of love that you have for them. I’ve tried to explain it to some of my kidless friends and I find it pretty much impossible. I find myself saying things like “I don’t know, you can’t know until you have one!” My mom said as much to me when I was pregnant with my first. I told her “yes, of course, I love him even though he’s not born yet” but I didn’t really ‘get it’ until the moment I held him. πŸ™‚


    • That’s the one. I don’t know if it is possible to explain it to someone who doesn’t know. I’ve tried to write about it before, but now I know the words I used were nowhere near big enough to describe the feeling. Perhaps we don’t have words big enough to cover the depth of these feelings.
      I guess its our job to try to find them though.


  8. Sally Edmans says:

    Are they Leon on the left and Michael on the right? They are both so squee, whichever is which xx


  9. Writerlious says:

    Look at these beautiful babies!!!! What an exciting time for you. It’s scary to love something so much, huh? I’ve got a 12yo and a 19mo and I still have dreams that something bad will happen to one of them. It never goes away!


  10. 4amWriter says:

    It was incredibly hard for me to tote my children around in the big, bad world. And I hated leaving them behind. Horrible thoughts flashed through my mind, and I was convinced I was the only one who can protect them.

    The fears never really go away, I don’t think, but we become a little more rational about them. We also become more fierce, IMO. Motherhood can be a stressful state of being, but I wouldn’t give it up for anything.

    Luv the pics. They are adorable!


    • Stressful, but I can’t really imagine it any other way. Too right. πŸ™‚

      I’m enjoying how understanding people are being about my irrational fears and thoughts though. Its almost as good as being pregnant; I seem to get away with a lot! πŸ˜‰


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