And I really was… its crazed! about the time I was getting ready to run another test on Spreaker on Tuesday I interrupted myself briefly for a cup of tea. Talking to my partner in the interim lead to us looking at websites collating short stories by authors of fiction. There were soundbites as well, beautiful pictures and readings and a layout that was just gorgeous to look at. And, as I looked at some of the other sites featuring the work of more authors who specialise in vamp fiction, I felt cold.
It was in my arms and chest. My head felt light and I swear to you, my vision began to fog up. Obviously that was strange, but the growing sense of nausea which came with it was even worse.
Sick… right down to my stomach. Fear rolled in panic, wrapped in nagging worry that I’m not good enough.
Everyone gets this. I know that. This feeling is what you sign up for if you want to do something creative in/with your life, but I don’t think I was ready for the sensation just then. Far from ready.
I remember sitting at the computer with my fingers on the home keys and realising that I couldn’t even string a sentence together. It was impossible! My brain was stuck in panic-mode so firmly that I just had to stop. I had to sit calmly and remember how to breathe with deep, regular breaths. And I had to put my head down in case I fell over.
I can’t remember the phrase my partner used, but he summed it up perfectly in just two words. I’m going to call it a ‘confidence meltdown’ because that’s what happened. In a nut shell. Looking at those beautiful sites, reading those words, seeing those pictures, hearing those readings just made me look at my own work and feel rotten. It broke something inside me which the nice weather and good news from work is actually doing a good job of pulling back together. Just the same it was a bit of a wake up. I need to do more work and I need to ensure my priorities are the right way around to do what I want to do. These two things must happen to reduce that feeling. Not get rid of it… I understand enough of my chosen field to know that I can’t ever escape the sensation of ‘I’m not as good as that guy!’ but I can lessen it by working hard.