I figured it was finally time to get someone else chatting about BDSM. Someone in on the ground floor, so to speak.
Nick is a buddy of ours who currently enjoys a D/s relationship with his partner. I asked if he’d be willing to write up a little something about how he feels BDSM works within a relationship framework and he kindly sent me this.
It’s worth noting again, as I have many times in the past, that every relationship is different and works on its own unique levels. Despite that, there are similarities that I feel are worth mentioning, which is exactly why I’ve chosen to post this article now.
I hope you enjoy.
I strongly believe that for any relationship to be successful there must be 3 things:
- A connection, or something in common
Everything else is a matter of degrees and is mostly optional.
So, besides some interesting hobbies, what separates a kink relationship from a vanilla one? Ultimately, a kink relationship requires significantly more of my three criteria in order to be successful. Kink encourages us to push our boundaries and find the limits of human experience and discover something more than what the regular world has to offer for us. Some people use pain, some use humiliation and degradation, others enjoy personifying an animal. However we choose to do it, the things we require of our partners are simple.
Regardless of what you are looking to achieve, trust is always a requirement and an awful lot of it. Except in very specific situations, there is an absolute trust in the person you with home you explore your kinks. If you cannot trust them, or if you distrust them, kink can become extremely dangerous; they need to know where your boundaries are, as well as their own. If you are working on finding your limits, trusting your partner becomes even more important. You have to trust them to stop when you need them to stop, to continue when you need them to continue, and to be there with you once it is over and you come back to the regular world.
With trust, you need to be able to communicate. You can trust your kink partner to the world’ s end, but if you cannot tell them how you feel, or cannot understand how they feel, you’re off to a rocky start. This includes not just talking about what’s happening, but how you feel about you deepest fears, and greatest highs. Kink evokes extremely powerful emotion, and sometimes you will never understand why. When your partner randomly starts laughing half way through flogging them, they might not have any more idea than you do why, but you need to know whether you should keep going or not. When your partner breaks down in tears two days after an event where they went higher than ever before in their life, simply being able to communicate that you are there can be very difficult. Both of these extremes can happen, and only being able to talk to your partner can help.
Arguably both the least and most important, is a connection with the person you’re with. Whether it’s love, lust, friendship, or a shared affinity for similar or matching kinks, having a connection with the person your with will make the whole journey and the ability to trust and communicate all work together. Having a connection with your partner isn’t technically required, but not having one can make situations jar, or feel wrong when otherwise they would be good.
So there you have it. Notes from a man on the ground about how a kink relationship and/or one based on the BDSM lifestyle is no different to any other. The pillars required to hold the relationship stable are exactly the same as those expected anywhere else: trust, communication and a common ground.
Kinda makes BDSM that bit more homely and comfortable, doesn’t it?