80 Post Challenge – Post 44

Posted on December 29, 2011 by Ileandra Young

Name your most cherished childhood memory.

Oh this is nice. Okay… well most cherished is hard, because those are being replaced by stuff happening around me right now. But I have a very strong memory which I love to recall. Well two actually, but in one of them I was rather unhappy so I’m going to talk about the cheerful one.

We had two blankets. Thick kinda fleecy things in kinda gold and brown colours. I assume it was one each for myself and my sister. Anyway I remember being very small (maybe five… maybe seven…?) and having great times playing with these blankets. But the memory that sticks with me is Mum holding two corners and Dad holding another two corners while myself and my sister sat in the middle like a hammock. Then they would swing us around over the sofa; back and forth back and forth.

I remember screaming because it was so awesome and thinking about how awesome my parents were (a sentiment that has never changed, incidentally) and how much I loved them. And how much fun they were. I remember trying to climb up and peep over the top until a particularly enthusiastic swing dumped me back into the middle again (where it was safest).

Oooo oooo and I have another one!

I know you said ‘one,’ bite me, I’m on a roll! :p

We used to have this fluffy white rug in the middle of the living room. Faux fur. And became the focal point of loads of games me and my sister played. We’re Walking in the Air was always a favourite, as well as the Unicorn and the Mermaid. I wish I could remember which way around we were, though its likely that I was the unicorn since I would have been big enough to get her on my back… not the other way around. So the unicorn would graze on the island (the rug) and each day the mermaid would jump out of the ocean (the carpet) onto the shore of the island to chat with the unicorn. They would tell each other stories. Which were super cute and proper kid-like. Which is perfect, since that’s what we were.

Walking In The Air tended to come out at Christmas (hence why I remember it so well) and involved me lying on my back with my knees up so my sister could lie across my shins. Then I’d fly her through the air while we sang the song. I must admit though, our version never seemed to be as gentle a ride as the one on The Snowman since we changed one of the lines to ‘we’re walking in the air, and crashing down to the floor!’ Which would then happen very soon afterwards.

I’ve been thinking of that song a lot lately, actually. I played it on last week’s radio show, and since then have developed a growing urge to watch The Snowman. I’ll have to see what I can do about that.


 

 

 

 

My 80 Post Challenge is brought to you with help from Tom Slatin’s 80 Journal Writing Prompts.

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Writing Gore

Posted on December 27, 2011 by Ileandra Young

Had a conversation about this a few weeks back and I put off this post because I wanted to think about it. That said, I don’t think I’ve thought about it much, but now its in my mind again because there is a particular author I want to go back to reading.

You may have heard me mention him before… Shaun Hutson.

This man… this man weaned me off the likes of Christopher Pike, Mills And Boon and Sweet Valley High (GAAAAAAAH!). He was the man who gave me my first real insight into what a a gunshot wound might look like (from a writer’s perspective) and managed to make it cool!

Now… if you’re faint hearted, or freaked out by blood, or bugs, or foul language, for gods sake do NOT read his books. You’re missing out, but don’t. For real.
If… like me… you like your action high octane, gritty and dirty, then this man is the one you want to be reading. More than that, if you want an author who doesn’t shy away from taboos (kids killing cats, elderly folk torturing teenagers) then again, Shaun is your man.

I was thinking about him 1) because I think its time I reminded myself of how awesome he is by going through the massive collection of his books that I have at the front of my double stacked shelves and 2) because I was going to read an excerpt of his work at the Phoenix Writers’ Away Day a few weeks back. I didn’t because I raced out of the house in a rush and forgot the book. D’oh! Though now I think about it, I don’t think anything written by Shaun would have had much place there – except maybe with the lads *snerk*

But that led into the conversation about horror films and what’s scary, what’s not and why something is scary. And with Shaun’s books… they aren’t scary (at least for me) but they are a bit of a head fuck. Some of them are anyway. And they make you squirm. That is far more powerful than the cheap tricks Hollywood uses like suspenseful music and crashes and bangs. Its the thought that makes you uncomfortable and sends a ripple of cold down your spine that I like so much. I guess because I can put the book away afterwards and go ‘aaaaaaaaaah, thank fuck that ain’t real.’

Let me give you a piece of his writing, to show what I’m talking about:

gunBoth of them were naked.
Both hung from the filthy wall of the supermarket, suspended by the nails which had been driven through their hands and wrists.
A tramp and a rent boy. The dregs of society.
Unwanted.
Unmissed.
The five figures which stood gazing at the corpses were silent, standing in a kind of mock vigil over the bodies. Bodies which now had not one single trace of skin on their faces and necks. The flesh had been expertly removed with knives, cut away with a care and precision which a surgeon would have been proud of. The muscles of Adam Giles’ face glistened in the half-light, congealed blood already filling some of the gaps between tendons and gristle. His eyes were open, still wide with terror as if the last thing he’d seen had been indelibly printed on that blind orb for eternity.
The leading figure, a tall man dressed in a dark suit now faded and dirt encrusted, stepped forward and inspected the bodies more closely, prodding first at the skinless mess which had once been Adam’s face then at the flayed visage of Danny Weller.
The young tramp’s skin sat well on the features of the tall figure. He had smoothed it over his own putrescent face, covering the holes and the sores, hiding the cratered areas where the maggots had bred. The skin was loose around his ears and eyes but portions taken from other parts of the bodies could be used to foster the illusion of normality. And, like his companions, he could always wrap his face with a scarf.
Until the time was right.
Time.
Time seemed to have no meaning any more.
For what was time to a dead man? To him or his four companions? He smiled thinly, his own lips moving beneath the mask of living flesh that was already beginning to mould itself to the rotting musculature beneath.
They had time. Time to complete their task.
And that time was coming closer.
He looked at the two bodies hanging from the Wall and nodded.

Excerpt from Shuan Hutson’s ‘Assassin’; reproduced without permission.

Do you see what I mean? Doesn’t that just make your skin crawl?! Hell, and that’s just a little bit before the poor hooker trying to give a man a blow job who passes out when she realises that his ejaculate is full of maggots. Eeew, right?

Now I don’t want to write like this. I mean I would love to be able to, but that level of ick might completely alienate my mother and besides it doesn’t quite fit with what I write. But I will admit… this chap and his selection of fabulous books are what gave me inspiration for many posts on the Ice Wolf Tavern when Diavian had to do something particularly gross or when Michael (inspired by Shaun’s Sean Doyle character by the way) had to be particularly foul mouthed or moody.

I’m just saying… I don’t write gore like this guy does, but if you’ve read his work, you’ll easily see that some of my writing is influenced by this chap. And I’m THRILLED about it.

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Merry Christmas 2011

Posted on December 25, 2011 by Ileandra Young

Its that time of year again and I guess its appropriate to say:

merry christmas 2011

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!


And also… despite yesterday’s festivites, I feel the need to prove I am not a complete scrooge… so… here are some Christmas songs I don’t hate!

Woo! Enjoy your day! ^_^

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Illy Tips: Make Your Own Porn Star

Posted on December 24, 2011 by Ileandra Young

Snowman

Now… I don’t really do Christmas. Not in a big way and most certainly I don’t go crazy decorating my house; not since leaving my Mum’s place. Since shacking up with Dave, that’s become more and more the case, as his acknowledgement of the annual festivities generally consists of a nativity scene made with the assistance of a giant tiger (with a red nose), a (purple) rubber duck and several small wax piggies. Similarly, in my general hate of all things snowy, the only concession I made to last year’s snow, was the construction of a particularly small (and therefore cute) snowman which guarded the front door to the flat for a good fortnight.

However… this year, as you may have guessed from the title of this particular blog post, I have come across a decoration that I’m more than happy to plaster all over my house in excessive, if not frightening numbers. I am, of course, talking about The Porn Star.
porn star

Not what you were expecting? No probably not, you loveable, filthy minded perverts! But I’m still going to tell you how to make one – I’m nice like that.

One (or several) of these beautiful, hand-made porn stars can decorate your home in time for Christmas following this handy step-by-step guide. I realise that’s tomorrow, but I promise, these are really (really) easy to make, and good for shiggles too.

 

You will need

A sense of humour (don’t forget this one, its important)
Porn (six pages)
Glue (a glue stick works best)
Scissors
Sticky tape (if you don’t have glue)
Stapler and staples
Dexterous fingers
~and remember, if any of the pictures aren’t big enough , you can click on them for the full sized version. 🙂

 

Step One – Write some porn

WritingSounds simple, but part of the reason I had so much paper knocking around this month was after printing off each draft of the short erotica piece I wrote for Mitzi Szereto’s call for submissions. I tackled this right after coming to screeching to a halt from NaNoWriMo and spent a very pleasant fortnight fending off dreams of sweaty, naked bodies, so I could actually write something worth publishing. WritingI’ve not heard back yet, if you’re curious, but I’m particularly pleased with that story regardless, so I may put an excerpt here in the new year. Anyway… that’s step one; write some porn (incidentally it was erotica that I wrote, but for some reason an ‘erotic star’ just didn’t sound as good as a ‘porn star.’ So there we go. Oh and YES, there IS a bloody difference!!!).

 

Step Two – Destroy The Porn

Nuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!You’ll probably do this anyway, particularly with your first and second drafts (it should be high quality porn for the best stars after all!). But in my case, each draft I printed, I hacked to death with my trusty red pen of editorial goodness. Which meant that after going back to the PC, I had several versions of the same story littering the house. Copies that I swiftly gathered up, wanting to avoid the embarrassment of having to explain why two naked men were sitting on each other, to an incredibly curious eight year old. Yes, yes, it was a same-sex piece; I figured that might at least make me stand out a little (and it was damn fun to write too).
I digress!
Scissors!!!Take the first page of your porn and form a square. If you printed yours on A4 sheets, like I did, then you’ll have to do the triangle foldy thing and cut off the excess like in the picture. Keep the excess for later if you like… we can make a smaller star with it.

 

Step Three – Fold The Porn

A nice easy step (particularly if you had to trim down some A4 paper). Fold the paper in half along the diagonal to make a triangle. And then fold it in half to make a smaller triangle.

 

Step Four – Dice The Porn

Cut your triangleWe’re not really going to dice it. We need to be quite careful with this bit actually, as you don’t want to cut too far. Hold your small triangle like in the picture (flat edge facing right, open end towards you – sorry if you’re left handed o.O) and cut three straight lines into it. After cuttingDO NOT cut all the way to the end (seriously; you’ll ruin it!) and try to keep them evenly spaced all the way along (more advanced stars can take more cuts, but for now, let’s stick with three; you’ll be grateful later). Once you’ve done that, unfold your triangle until its a square again and make note of the diamond shapes you’ve cut into it that don’t quite join in the middle.
DiamondRocking.

 

Step Five – Stick The Porn (I love these titles)

Take the inner two flaps (for want of a better word) and use a dab of glue (or sticky tape) to stick them together in a loop. This is the fiddly finger part, but you’ll do fine if you started with an A4 piece of paper. Next side...Then, turn the square over and take the next two flaps and loop them the other way, sticking them together with a dab of glue. Keep turning the square over and looping the flaps up towards you to get alternating loops. The end result should look something like this:
First Star Prong
Cool huh?

REPEAT STEPS TWO TO FIVE WITH FIVE MORE PIECES OF PAPER.

…which should result in a collection of six loopy things which look like this:
All Six ProngsExxxcellent! These are going to make the body (and ends and middle) of your six-pointed star.

 

Step Six – Assemble The Porn

First half of star...Take three of your points and hold them together at one end. You can use more glue for this part, but I find the stapler much less hassle. Staple the three ends together until they’re neatly joined and do the same with the other three.
What you have now should look like this:Two halves

Stick each of the points together where the outer loops meet so that the star holds it shape when hung. *snicker* We want a well hung porn star after all.Stick The Edges

Take the two halves of your star and staple them together in the middle, repeating the gluing process on the loose sides.
Staple The Centre

 

Step Seven – Admire Your Porn Star

Completed starHey, you did it! Fabulously awesome! Your very own, hand-made porn star, ready to hang up in your window for the pleasure of your Christmas guests.

 
And, depending on how dexterous and nimble you’re feeling, you can make these as small as you like! Though I think when I got to the excess of the excess of the excess (from the original A4 sheet) I had glue all over the place and a lump of paper that looked nothing like a star (I’m not showing you that one; it was a mess).

Anyway, that’s it from me; have a very Merry Christmas and I’ll catch you all in the aftermath.Completed stars!

Oh and seriously… if any of you actually make one of these, please, please, PLEASE send me pictures! Or at least leave a comment to tell me about it. I want to know I’m not the only crazy person out there.

Laterz!

Posted in FUN!, Ileandra's Posts, Illy Tips, Procrastination | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

80 Post Challenge – Post 43

Posted on December 22, 2011 by Ileandra Young

List your bad habits and/or addictions and what you have tried to rid yourself of them.

Hmm.. Well isn’t that a hard thing for anyone to do? Listing things about themselves that may not be as good as they should be. Or are expected to be. Or as one wants them to be.

 
Well the first that comes to mind is that I used to suck my thumb. A lot. To the point that by the time I hit 13/14 years old I totally needed braces. I had a retainer at first; one of those giant pink things that you can pull out or leave put which the plate that covers the top of your mouth. I had them top and bottom. I was NOT impressed by that. As you can imagine. And neither was the dentist because I’d be repeatedly taking them out to eat (I never learned to eat with them in) and then leaving them in places. I can only imagine how disgusting that must have been for the poor souls who kept finding my gummy, slightly icky retainers lying around the place.
It was way better when I had tracks; at least you can’t take those out and lose them.
Point is, with that, I didn’t stop myself sucking my thumb, it was done for me because I couldn’t fit my thumb into my mouth any more. Though to be honest, I’m glad I did stop… my fingernails would never look as nice as they do now. :p

 
Which brings me on neatly to biting my nails. I did that a lot when I was younger because I didn’t really ever feel like cutting them, but they broke when they got too long. Nibbling on them was the perfect cure (in my book). These days, so long as I can still type my nails aren’t too long and since I’ve developed a liking for various funky colours of nail varnish I must admit that it pleases me to have nails long enough to show them off. That was more of a vanity thing than anything else.

 
Food has always been a problem of mine, but the consumption of unhealthy amounts of chocolate was one of my big ones. I seem to have solved that problem by getting pregnant. -_- not that that was the reason for it, but more that, as well as the occasional lower abdominal twinge, bout of gas and fit of rage/happiness/bleakness/mopeyness I have completely gone off chocolate. To the point that a couple of weeks ago I had to take two bites to finish a Lindor chocolate truffle and when I had the next one I couldn’t finish it. One bite did me in and I had to hand it to my mate to finish. *sob*
I suppose its good that I’m eating less of the bad stuff and more of the good stuff (give me salad! Give me salad NOW!), but I kinda miss chocolate. And booze. And riding my bike. And sleeping straight through the night.

-_-

Okay, that’s enough of that!
If I think of more, I’ll come back to you! :p

 

 

 

 

My 80 Post Challenge is brought to you with help from Tom Slatin’s 80 Journal Writing Prompts.

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