I suppose it would be kind to leave a warning here before you start. Many, if not all, of the links in this series of posts are totally NSFW. If you want to have a look, do, by all means, but don’t be surprised if you find naked boy bits at the other end . . . or girl bits.
Happy? Let’s go.

A few weeks back I talked about dominance and submission (D/s) as a whole. Today I’ll focus on the ‘dominance’ side.

What Makes A Dominant

In the BDSM arena, dominance is about control. The desire to have it, use it and most of all, be given it by someone who trusts you. It isn’t about getting your own way, ensuring your own desires are met, or giving people orders. There is a difference between being dominant and being bossy and/or overbearing.

The Google dictionary defines ‘dominant’ as:

“having power and influence over others.”

That is especially true here. A dominant person (in this context) enjoys and is (often) aroused by the feeling of control and power over another.

So What Do They Do?

That depends on the dominant. Control can manifest in a number of different ways but some of the most common are:

• Controlling the intensity and/or frequency of sexual relations
• Controlling when (or even if) a submissive may achieve orgasm
• Deciding what a submissive wears (or if they wear anything at all)
• Restricting submissives to using an honorific when speaking to them (Sir/Ma’am/Miss/Master etc)

These are actually quite broad areas in which to exert control and certainly not an exhaustive list. Other, more specific ways I’ve heard of include:

• Deciding when (and if) a submissive may use the bathroom
• Deciding what a submissive may eat
• Restricting eye contact or speech
• The use of slave/submissive positions (if you’re interested in these I’ll do a post about Gorean slave positions another time)

Whatever the manner of control, a dominant’s aim is to bring about pleasure through use of their control.

But Isn’t That Selfish?

Not at all. Note I said ‘bring about pleasure’ not ‘bring about their own pleasure.’ A dominant who is partnered with a true submissive will find that giving orders for their pleasure in turn creates pleasure for their submissive.

Remember it’s not just about getting your own way? Being a dominant, rather than just . . . an arrogant, selfish, bossy-boots (I can’t think of another way to say it) is understanding the responsibility that comes with the control.

Trust is an incredible gift and has to be earned. With that trust a dominant, will find that control is willingly given to them by a submissive who trusts who knows they will be:

1. Looked after
2. Able to serve in a manner that pleases them
3. Able to give pleasure through that service

But Is That Healthy?

Sure. I’m no psychologist, but why wouldn’t it be?

Before you start waving your arms and chanting ‘abusive relationships’ at me, yes, I know that happens: I’ve seen it and the devastating affects on close friends of DSB. I know that rape happens and these things are also about control. But the control a dominant desires, versus that wielded by a rapist is utterly different. There is no pleasure for a D/s dominant unless control is given willingly through mutual trust and respect, and certainly no desire to truly hurt a submissive.

Dominants are strong, caring, thoughtful, and giving people, by necessity. They are required, at all times, to know, understand and genuinely care for their submissive. To nurture the relationship they have in order to ensure they have one at all. ‘Dominants’ who don’t do this, aren’t dominants at all, but merely the arrogant, selfish bossy-boots I mentioned earlier.